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2/29.24

Grief: what is it?

As I approached my mother's one yea anniversary of her death (2/14/2024). I am understanding that grief is different for every one. My grief came as a grief reaction that landed me in depression and effecting my speech amd my handwriting skills All of this began round September 2023. . I did not know I was depressed, until I was seen by my PCP. Funny how grief creeps up on you without you knowing. Now here in Feb 2024, I have quit my job to hopefully heal. I have been listening to David Kessler podcasts about grief, they seem to be helping my understand this process.

Everyone grieves differently. My form of grief is different from your way that you grieve. For me, I pressed down my feelings of grief to the point that I could not push anymore. Till one day it all came out all of a sudden. I'm the oldest, Im supposed to be brave, well that ship has sank. My father is grieving by letting his hair grow. So if you happen to see him tell him is hair needs cutting. haha,
As I am learning this whole grief thing, please bear with me ... I will return to my normal self, eventually.

Church hurt. 2//1/24

Wow, this is going to be a hard one to type out. Though it needs to come out.

Long ago when I was 18 years old, I was a member of the singing group Well I left the group over they were going in a direction of songs that my dad wouldn't approve of. My dad was the pastor of the church with a straight up view on music. If it wasn't in the hymnal, it shouldn't be sung. So, therefore, I wrote a letter because I couldn't talk about it without crying. Cause I had been singing with this group for all my life. Little did I know that I shouldn't have written anything. Cause that letter circled 'round the church even though for the next 3 years I just wrote it to my group. I went against the "family" of the church. Fast forward to when I was 21 there was a deacon meeting about me, which was uncalled for. And I wasn't allowed to be there to explain why I wrote the letter. Well, I was there, and I was sitting in the sanctuary and the meeting was across the hall. I could hear them talking about me. Well, you guessed it Colleen wasn't going to let them speak and not get a chance to defend myself. Well, I busted through the door and the look on their faces when I showed up. They immediately said that I wasn't invited to this meeting and that I shouldn't be there. Well i responded that this meeting is about me, and I couldn't defend myself. Well, the meeting stopped, and all the deacons left except one. Mr Paul he was on my side of things he stayed behind and listened to me. For which I was ever grateful for. He loved my father and supported him. Well, there after the members stopped tithing and stopped coming less and less. Basically, killing the church. There was a meeting with the board of OFWB through the conference members. That didn't do anything. They conference was friends with one of the deacons and basically told my father it was a lost cause that he needed to go. Though he still faught hard. Looking back now, he says he didn't need to do all of that. That he wouldn't have done this if he had to re-do this part of his left. Yet my dad fought due to his stance on music and what he felt was right. It's hard to be a preacher's kid (PK). Being a PK it is a different life. You feel as if your father has a direct line to Jesus and He will tell my dad whatever I did before I could get home and let him know. Therefore, I knew I couldn't have a rebellious side due to that fact. In all reality we are just like any other kid, if you're not a PK you wouldn't understand. At 21 is a weird time for me. I went through depression where I felt as if I couldn't trust anyone except my parents. I would skip class and go to target during the claas time. My parents would ask me how class was, i would always respond, "it was okay." I kept that as a secret from my parents and confessed to them long after. I emailed my professor and explained I was going through something that most 21-year-olds don't go through. I ended up going back to class and making a C in that class. I didn't deserve that C, yet I didn't question that grade. I think that the professor felt what I was going through and just gave me a passing grade. I ended up beating this round of depression on my own through Jesus. I won this battle. I wasn't going to let the church members that went against us win or have control over me. I stopped going to church, didn't want to be round "those people" who I thought were my friends, the ones I called family, Eventually I went back to church until we were asked to leave for real this time. When we left the church, it was a Sunday night and I went back into the sanctuary to get something, that's when I saw it. There at "our" pew was a demon laughing at us. He was in the form of a weasel, and he was in color. He had on a plaid shirt that was red and black. Just a laughing at me at the pew near the window. This was my first experience with "seeing things" like this. I will never forget that image. I ran back out of the church and told my parents. They didn't know what to think of this. My father didn't know how to respond because he doesn't dabble in the spiritual warfare or preach on it. Getting back to the point of all of this, yes, I have major church hurt, God didn't do it though. And we all have to remember to just trust God and believe that He didn't hurt me, the people of the church did. We have to learn how to re-trust again. Pray for me that I will be able to do this. Be still, and know that I am God:"

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1/30/24

"Be still, and know that I am God:" Psalm 46:10 KJV

This is one of my favorite Bible verses. Just be still, and stop trying to figure out yourself. I used this verse during my mothers cancer passing. Just be still, stop chasing the diagnosis, just stop and believe that He is in control of all things. Whether or not the outcome wasn't what you wanted, He wanted it. I was so angry at God for not healing my mother. He did heal her, just not earthy but Heavenly. I had too much to still learn from her. I wasn't ready and still not ready. I know my mom is healed in Heaven and is with her parents and brother. So we are trying to be still and let God has His way with our lives. We had to be still and take it one day at a time. Often she would ask "why her" i would respond why not you. I asked Jesus why as well, you did everything right, obeyed your parents. Often I am reminded myself of the verse that says as I paraphrase, obey your parents that your days will ne long upon this earth. Once again I'm reminded to just be still and realize that God is/was in control of everything. Which is hard to swallow at times. Cause by nature, We want to fix everything. So be still my friends and realize that God is in control of every thing even when th outcome isn't what you were expecting.

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This post I dedicate to my good friend Ashley. Who went through this as well.

Jeremiah 29:11 states For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I remember the day I saw those 2 lines pop up. I was in the Wal-Mart bathroom of all places. I was on my way to the gym to tan and felt a little funny. I decided what the heck, I will go buy me a test and take in the bathroom, all alone. I was so excited and scared to see those 2 lines on the pregnancy test. There I was all alone in the Wal-Mart bathroom stall looking at those 2 lines that said I was a mom. (did not go to the gym and tan) I drove home smiling and thinking of how to tell Andrew.

I was so proud to call and schedule my first OB appointment. When asked what the appointment was about, I proudly said,” I am pregnant” spoken like a true first-time mom. However, I was not so excited to call and cancel the appointment about a month later.

I was starting a new job on one Tuesday in May of 2015. I was excited and nervous all at the same time. Little did I know, later that day my life was going to take a different turn. I was getting all settled, doing new employee paperwork, getting my computer log in info, the usual first day things. It hit me like a ton of bricks to run the bathroom, threw up my breakfast (yes, I am getting real with y’all, Special K and coffee does not taste well the second time), Sat there on the toilet in disbelief. There I was all alone again in a bathroom, losing my baby. I had miscarried. I got myself together, accepted it the best that I could. Being in the medical field I knew what was happening. Also, being in the field it had made me to become numb to life situations and somewhat ignore what had just happened.

I called my husband, Andrew, during lunch and told him what had happened. Also that I needed to go to the ED after work to get checked out. I remember filling out the card that asks reason for visit. My hand was shaking as I wrote out, early pregnancy cramping and possible miscarriage. It is a wonder that the registrar could read my writing. We both get back to the ED room and the doctor comes in and examines me and sends me for an ultrasound. My little speck of a baby was gone. The doctor comes in and confirms that I did have a miscarriage. Andrew and I are numb, just numb. The doctor then beings to state that there is a follicle on the left ovary that could develop. Well, it did develop and two weeks later it turned into an ectopic pregnancy and ruptured my fallopian tube. I ended up having my tube removed and yet again lost a little baby.

I was so hurt, cried out to God, “why”? Why would God take from me. I had done everything right; saved myself for marriage, married, done everything the right way. Felt as if my body was unworthy of a child. Never have I felt so broken. I told God all of this. He already knew my frustrations. Little did I know that this was all part of God’s plan.

Then one night I was on the couch with Wyatt and out of the blue I heard a voice. The voice was God. He told me I was supposed to have twins during my miscarriage. I believe with all my heart I was supposed to have twins. Twins run on my husband’s side of the family; his father is a twin. This is where Jeremiah 29:11 comes in to play. One year later I became pregnant with Wyatt. During this pregnancy I developed cholestasis, where my liver could not process my bile and Wyatt’s properly. This made me itch like crazy. I would deliver at 37 weeks due to this diagnosis. The Lord knew what with twins my liver definitely would not be able to function. It barely functioned with one let alone would it function with two. I might not have made it through the delivery. The twins might not have made it either. The Lord saved me from even experiencing more heartache.

Why do I think God took from me? He did not take from me, He saved me. Getting back to the verse above, you do not understand now, later you will. This has all come full circle and now I realize God’s perfect plan.

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Broken Shells

12/15/23

If you ever happen to visit my house, hanging on the wall I have a shadow box of broken shells.

Why just the broken shells? well ,

Broken shells are the prettiest ones to me. Yes, whole shells are beautiful in all their glory. Broken ones have the best stories. Those are the ones that remind me of myself. We are all some kind of broken and somehow end up on the shore. We are all broken shells that get tossed and turned by the waves and hit on the reefs (life) and still manage to make it to shore. The broken ones are special to me. No one wants the broken, castaways. Everyone wants the whole, pretty ones and the broken ones are discarded and left unwanted. The whole ones are not as pretty to me. Broken ones remind me of how we are all broken in some fashion and can still come out beautiful. We are all broken in God’s eyes, none are perfect. Otherwise he would not have died on the cross for our sins. Out of the ashes the broken become whole and beautiful. I pick up the broken to remind me of God’s love. God will pick your broken self-up from the shore and give you purpose. All we have to do is accept the free gift of salvation and be made whole like the pretty shells. We are all beautiful shells, especially the broken ones.

Next time you visit the shore, look for the broken ones. Look at the shells as a reminder of how broken you once were before you found Jesus. And know that even the broken are beautiful

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Let me tell you about my Jesus 12/31/2023

I wish I had the confidence of the lady I saw a while back in the Dollar General. She was proclaiming the love of Jesus while in line. I am actually somewhat jealous of her confidence. She was there in line to pay, proclaiming the love of Jesus and that He loved each and everyone of us in the store. Speaking of Heaven and that one day she was going to be with Jesus. Spoke of how peaceful Heaven would be.

I just stood there in the aisle/register next to her just in awe of her and how easy it was that she spoke and shouted of His glory. I stood there engaging in the conversion in my head, as if I was not filled with the same spirit that she was, due to the long day of patient I had to deal with on that day. My spirit should have been the same and it was not .

So to the lady in the Dollar Genal on that day I applaud you and ask for forgiveness that I did not join in with the spirit that you possessed. I only hope that one day I will be able to do the same as you. I know without a doubt I was supposed to be in that store at that very moment, funny how God works

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